Apologies and Forgiveness

I received an apology today that I never ever expected.

A trial of being a single adult female is that often people assume you are husband hunting, and thus, suspect.

A mother of a dear friend has been convinced for years that I am after her daughter's husband.  It has been alternately horrifying and comical, to the point I once told her, "That hadn't occurred to me, but WHAT A GREAT IDEA!!" just to see the look on her face.

Today, over the phone, out of the blue, she apologized in tears, and asked for my forgiveness.  Of course, I gave it. I gave it a long time ago, really.  Something in her needed to say it far more than I needed to hear it.

We are all weird little creatures, aren't we?  I have been known to hang onto an odd thought or two.  Sometimes things fester. Sometimes we just have to say it out loud and clear the air. Sometimes we have to admit our wrongness, even in a small matter, to move forward in freedom.

Besides, I know she really loves me.

Forever

The 13th Warrior is a movie from 1999 that is pretty hokey but I love it anyway.  In one scene a Viking hands Antonio Banderas a sword, and Antonio protests, "I cannot lift this!"

Herger the Joyous replies, "Get stronger."

Even when just working out you know if it is easy, you aren't getting stronger.

At the wake for my brother George, I looked at my brother Robert and said, "I don't think I can do this" and he nodded and said, "You will because you have to."

That was almost 17 years ago.

I have, indeed, gotten stronger.

Most of the people who will read this know that my dear friend, Hope, is in hospice.  Every time I speak with her or visit her, the brain cancer has taken more of her away from us.  Never in my nightmares would I have believed this vibrant, adventurous, joy-filled woman of God with her cheerful chatter and odd sense of humor and occasionally-irritating giggle would be trapped in a body that cannot do any of the things her heart longs to do.  She has lost most of her sight, her language skills, and now, her hearing.  The woman who climbed the Great Wall and the Pyramids moves slowly, with a walker.

Her faith is like a rock.  She is at peace and more than ready to go Home.  She is impatient.

Yet, even in the midst of her transition, she looks me in the eye and says, "I don't cry until I think of leaving all of you behind.  I will miss you so."

So we talk about Heaven, and how all of her memories will be restored, and she will see all of the grand adventures she has had as if she were unwrapping Christmas gifts.  And we agree that Heaven will smell like fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies and everything feels warm and cuddly. 

And we talk about all of the people who love her who will be there to greet her, and how in the blink of an eye, we will all be together again -without heartache or pain or bad hair days.  There is no chemo in Heaven, no Gamma knives, no insidious diseases.

And we will cry, because we always cry, and we always have cried, even at Hallmark movies and coffee commercials and when I graduated from law school and when she got married and when she sat with me at 5AM in Wesselman Park the day of my mom's funeral and somewhere in the middle of New Mexico when all the loss of that year hit me hard, and when the first doctor said Brain Cancer, and when the last one shook his head in sorrow.

And at every moment when I look at her and think, "I cannot do this" I know that lie for what it is -because I am NOT doing this.  Hope is doing this, and God is giving every one of us the strength to walk with her, and the gratitude to be so very blessed by her, and the love which will carry our hearts with her forever.

Livin Little

During the course of this epic summer, I also interviewed for jobs.  My next official "grown-up" job starts at the end of September.  So, I needed to get an official "grown-up" place to live for this momentous occasion.

I found a darling little cottage near my work that suits me just fine.

It isn't glamorous at all.  Five rooms total, including one that can only be accessed through the garage.  No dishwasher.  No deck. A non-working fireplace that still looks cute.

Why did I choose this?  I loved my little house in Flagstaff that is actually bigger than this one and had loads of lovely amenities, like said dishwasher.

Really, it boiled down to priorities.  I wanted to pay as little rent as possible so I can spend more on travel.  My godchild and I are planning to walk the Camino de Santiago in 2016 as my graduation gift to her.  That takes cash, baby.  Also, paying rent is something I don't enjoy.

One thing this summer underscored for me: I am not a "stuff" person.  I am a travel person.

Now that the decision is made, however, I'm daydreaming about rugs to put on the gleaming hard wood floors, curtains to shade the enormous picture windows, where to place some mums and fall decorations.

So easy to become a "stuff" person if you aren't paying attention.

Gypsy Heart Cloistered Soul

Darkness is not dark for you and night shines as the day. Darkness and light are but one.
Psalm 139:12

A friend has an expression, "The Grace has gone," to mean a situation has turned badly and there is nothing to do but walk away.

The events of the past year have given me much opportunity to reflect on that apt saying.

The Grace has gone.

I do not believe in hopeless situations, but I do believe that sometimes my purpose in a particular situation is complete.  I've done all I can.  And then God moves me along.

I used to batter my gypsy heart for its wanderlust and its desire to see over the next horizon.  Even when it agrees to settle somewhere (it does try, really!) soon it begins its restless pacing until the singing of the wind becomes too strong.  The words we use for this are not flattering: "Distracted" "Noncommittal" "Unreliable."

Grown-ups pick a place and stick to it, right?

Except, no.  Not always.  Sometimes Home isn't a place on a map.

My God, whose HEART is my home, leads where He wills, through darkness and light, through deserts and hurricanes.  When my soul stays safely cloistered in Him, my gypsy heart can wander freely, sheltered from the storms and hate of this broken world.  Even when my feet feel frozen and my fists rage toward heaven, no lamp to my feet, no understanding of the swirling insanity surrounding me, He sees clearly and asks me to simply and painfully take a step toward Him.

In the single step is a lifetime of confusion, pain, fear, hope, healing, joy, peace.  Then Grace infuses it all.

Darkness is not dark for you and night shines as the day. Darkness and light are but one.
Psalm 139:12

Summer 2015 In Pictures

 Miss Maggie to the Rescue!

I LOVE YOU, LORI!!! 

 Chilled with the jellies in Monterey.

 Chillin and actually chilly in Monterey.

 NOLA LOVE!

 BESTIES ON BOURBON!

 Who hasn't felt this way?

 Dee is a secret Southern belle!

 Jacqueline got my memo... on Fridays we wear pink!

 Maria!! Paul!!  LOVE!!

 I just think I look adorable here.

One of many, many hotel rooms this summer.  Roxy is a trooper!

UNCLE MIKE!!  (NOT Willie Nelson!)

 O, Hammie, my Hammie...

 Angela, still looking like she is 17! (Witchcraft, I tell you.)

Denise let me pop by even though Sammie was still so new to the world!

Cutest EVER!

Adorable children must be admired!!

 Summer camp as a grown-up!

 Roxy did not love camp.

 GARDENS!

Busy day at camp!

20 lbs lost in two weeks... don't worry. I found it.

this perfectly summarizes July 10-15.

 I have great expectations.

 Roxy embracing her inner kitty.

 Well balanced life.

the zoo DID let us leave, eventually.

 BEST night of the whole summer.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

Notice how Mike has to grip the ladies to keep them from running!

 over 30 years since we saw each other, and it was like yesterday.

Back to the scene of the crime.

The whole summer, summed up.

Food Desert

I was excited to return to So IN because, hello, farmer's markets!!

After a couple of weeks, I noticed something... the produce sections in the grocery stores are horrible.  I mentioned to my dad that I was shocked that Arizona-the-desert had grocery stores brimming with gorgeous fruits and vegetables, and here in the Heartland, spinach is twice as expensive, and the produce section at my Schnucks is half the size of the produce section at the small Safeway in Flagstaff.

He said, "Honey, all those little family farms just aren't here any more.  Everyone here is growing corn or soybeans.  Those are all the giant farms.  You have a few one-off places producing for local consumption, but those roadside stand you used to see everywhere are few and far between.  That's why we have a garden.  If you are around next year, we'll plant spinach for you."

Aside from the kind gesture, that simple conversation made me think.

1. I need to pay more attention to when the farmer's markets are going.
2. I need to check out the Asian market which everyone says has the best produce.
3. I am so used to getting what I want when I want it that I am put out by the price of spinach that is apparently imported or something..
4.  I heard about the family farms going away, but I didn't really believe it until now.

Meanwhile, it is exponentially cheaper to eat processed pseudo-food than the real thing.

Damn.  That ain't right.

Travels With Roxy

Roxy and I have never made a trip longer than an hour together, so this cross-country scheme of mine was wildly untested.

I'm the gypsy sort, cavorting about the country ceaselessly while Roxy has slumber parties at the kennel.  I return before she turns feral and organizes a gang and gets all street.

I had a teeny glimpse of what it must be like to travel with children. The "package deal."

Granted, Roxy did not once ask, "Are we there yet?" but I had to plan pretty much everything around her.

While children are allowed in most hotels and restaurants, dogs, sadly, are NOT.  Since it is summer, there was no leeway for leaving Roxy in the car while I ran in to a Panera for a salad.  She also could not be left in the hotel room more than five minutes before barking her fool head off, thus alerting the staff that I broke the rule about leaving Roxy alone in the room.  Narc puppy.

Thank God I bought protein shakes and bars before I left town.

Most days, I had a protein shake for breakfast, a couple protein bars for lunch, and fast food for dinner, drive thru, thank you very much.  Most of the small towns I drove through (aka, scenic route) didn't have fancy curb service. My evenings were spent deciding where We were going to spend the next night, so I could try to find a dog friendly hotel in the vicinity.

I let people just give me the stink eye in gas stations when Roxy came in with me so I could use the bathroom.  I also casually strolled through a brewery restaurant in Columbia, MO to get to and from the back balcony, where dogs were allowed. To be fair, I was with family and was just too lazy to walk the long way around the building.

Roxy slept for the most part while we were in the car.  We only took one really long walk. Columbia, MO has the world's best dog park, and we loved it. I was getting restless from lack of exercise, and Roxy was ready to chew through the seat.  She met a few new friends, specifically Hazel and Daisey Mae, while I got caught up with their moms, dear friends of mine I never get to see.

I arrived in Ferdinand, IN sporting some sort of illness, so mostly slept and let Roxy get to know her cousins, my cousin Denise's two Ocherese named Bailey and Marley.  Denise spoiled her rotten with lots of cuddles and treats.

Roxy has been a trooper through the entire thing.  Almost every night, a new location.  Every day, in the car.  Short walks next to highways.  Lots of strangers.  Thunderstorms. Cats in the next hotel room, making her crazy. Rabbits in the back yard, taunting her.  We have only been out of each other's sight for a few minutes at a time for the past nine days.  I know the meaning of the words "package deal" better than I ever have.

Hotel rooms in Albuquerque NM, Guymon OK, El Dorado KS, Columbia MO, Springfield IL, Ferdinand IN, Wheeling WV, Garnet Valley PA.  So far.

Roxy is asleep on my feet right now, exhausted, not knowing that we are here in Philly for a few days.  She probably won't have to get in the car at all tomorrow, but she doesn't know that.

As long as we are together, we are okay.

2,242 Days Later

On the 2,242th day, she rested.

I spent 2,241 days working for the university.  Six years.  The days after that last day were spent sleeping, for the most part.

The last month has gone by in a whirl.  I kept forgetting to get a photo of me and my trainer, Jesse, and so still don't have one, and I am in Albuquerque now, so it isn't happening at all. Sigh.  How do you spend roughly 600 hours in someone's presence over the course of 4 years and not snap at selfie with him?

I've been to Tubac, Tucson, Phoenix, Monterey, New Orleans in the last month.  All for fun.

My last day in Flagstaff was beautiful and sad, all at once.  I got a shot of hope and excitement from my friends, and a cool tshirt from my trainer, which goes nicely with the boxing gloves he gave me.  Both are packed away in the Jenga of my car trunk, otherwise I'd post a snap. Gail treated me to breakfast at Mix and a lovely long conversation.  Lori let me stay with her and treated me to lunch yesterday and a card that made me cry.

When I picked up Roxy at the kennel, their going away gift was full grooming, so she smells awesome and looks all fluffy!  When we stopped by the vet to pick up her meds, we got to say goodbye to all the awesome ladies there, Kari, Kyndel and Toni came out for hugs.  Roxy seemed convinced someone was about to stick a needle in her.

Roxy slept for most of the drive to Albuquerque.

This post is mostly to get you up to speed.  I'll be writing my normal quirkiness later.

Although one funny thing... A man in the hotel elevator struck up a conversation with me, and I mentioned I am a professional fundraiser.  He then launched into a story about donating money to a scholarship and the student used the money to "gad about Europe studying art history or some such nonsense" and was quite irate about it.  My normal self would have listened sympathetically, made some sort of connection.  You know the rules, ladies, be NICE.

I just looked at him and said, "I'm sorry you had that experience. I'm really tired, so I'm walking away now." Then did just that, leaving him hanging.  Roxy didn't even look back.

Another fun thing, while I was having coffee with my friend Sandra, one of the faculty came in and I got to introduce them and said, You two need to know each other, I think you would be fast friends! and then we ended up chatting with her for quite a while and they DID hit it off.  I love making connections!

My big splurge for the trip has been a cooler that plugs into your charger, so you don't have to use ice for everything.  I mentioned it to Jesse, and he said, that's cool! I used to have one for my protein shakes! Which made me realize that yes, I could probably put protein shakes in there, not just Roxy's meds!  He would be proud, because I have and so far, I'm drinking them.

As I wind my way about the US, I promise most of the posts will have more photos and better stories!

Days In The Sun

So, Monterey has been amazing.  Thank you Athena for your invitation to crash at your place and wander around freely!

A few tips if you plan to travel solo:

1. Bring an iPod to the Monterey Bay Aquarium.  You can drown out the shrieks of children excited at the sharks, and manta rays, and jellyfish, and their friends, and their feet and the plushies in the gift shop... Dang, children shriek a lot.  Bliss out to the jellies listening to Ziggy Marley, cause Love IS My Religion. (Thank you to Athena for that little gem of a tip!)

2. Get out and walk around.  It is a gorgeous place full of lovely surprises that you'll only see if you're on foot.  Don't just stick to Cannery Row!

3. Catch the sunset at Asilomar State Beach.  Stunning. All gold and purple and just what an ocean sunset ought to be.

4. For adventurous types, if you want to score a deal on a place to sleep, my friend Athena rents out bunk beds in her apartment for $75/night.  It's a steal when you do price comparisons for anything else at such an awesome location.  Five minute walk to the Aquarium and Cannery Row! You can hardly pay park closer! 

5. Depending on where you are headed, be mentally prepared for San Francisco-esque hills and get your cardio on.

6. Save money and eat healthier by buying much of your food at the grocery store.  There are TONS of excellent restaurants (my favs so far are the somewhat pricey The Fish Hopper www.fishhopper.com which has food you'd renounce your homeland for, and the not pricey at all First Awakenings, www.firstawakenings.net because I'm all about breakfast food!) and the state-required-calorie counts will remind you how fast bowls of clam chowder add up!

Now, some lovely photos... I could not get the videos I took of the jellyfish to upload, so, suffice to say, it was awesome and I'm sorry you're missing it!

Stone balancing is EVERYWHERE!!

Gorgeous, gorgeous day in Monterey.

Sunset...

My only regret is not getting over to Modesto to visit new baby Ethan.

Warrior Princess

I've always fancied myself a sort of warrior princess.  My friends and family actually in the military assure me that is complete nonsense -being stubborn isn't the same as being under fire. 

Well duh.  As I was explaining the stress of my former job to the firefighters moving me out of my house yesterday, they were polite enough to not roll their eyes.

I still find it auspicious that My Great Adventure is inadvertently beginning on the Feast Day of St. Joan of Arc, true Warrior and Official Badass.  (Also the same day my amazing niece Rachel won silver at her Tae Kwon Do competition! Another badass woman.)

This morning I woke up FULL OF IDEAS!!  The last few weeks have been so task-oriented, I have not been able to think more than a couple days into the future.  During my breakfast of Green Machine, I started mapping stuff out... Places to see, people to visit, ideas for my book, ideas for this blog, ideas for a great birthday gift for my nephew Christopher whose birthday I DID NOT FORGET but did not mange to send a gift for yet. So that has to be REALLY good, because he is one awesome young man, and I love him so big.

When I left (was kicked out) of the convent 11 years ago, one of the sisters said to me, "You need more freedom in order to thrive. You just do."  

I am not afraid. I was born to do this. - Joan of Arc

Climbing Mt Elden

For some reason I woke up this morning thinking about my Mt. Elden climb a few weeks ago.


Mt. Elden is part of the San Francisco Peaks, and considered a strong way to try out a hard climb before one tackles Mt. Humphreys, the tallest Peak.


Before I go farther, I must share this one fact:  The hike sucked.  Sucked Raw Eggs. Sucked Hard.  This isn't a "wander in the forest and see all the pretty trees" sort of hike.  It is rocky and sandy and my eyes were glued on the trail the entire time just to avoid death.  And it takes forever -took us 3 hours up and 3 hours down... the fact I have asthma played into the "suck" factor, but now you are fully informed.  I climbed Mt. Elden so you don't have to!


Why did I do it?  I felt it was something I ought to check off my "things to do before moving from Flagstaff" list.  The kindest man I know, Stephen Riggs, volunteered to go with me, as he had never climbed it either.  I rounded up a few other friends. It boded well for a lovely morning.


How did I finish it?  I finished only with the help of my friends.  My slowness going up AND down kept them from going as fast as they could have.  But they stuck with me.  Without them I would have quit 2 hours in.  Stephen walked behind me going down, making me feel safe, even though had I actually taken a tumble off the trail, the only thing he could have realistically done would be call 911 for a mountain rescue.  Gail occasionally burst into song which made me crack up -her specialty is rap.  I think. Sometimes it was hard to tell.


But we all got up and down the mountain safely.


Just. Like. Life.


SO MANY THINGS IN LIFE SUCK RAW EGGS.  But there our friends are, bursting into song, lending support, doing stuff like helping us pack when we get food poisoning and are projectile vomiting every time we move, or letting us couch surf while we figure out life, or reminding us that the race isn't about winning, but finishing strong.


That's what gets us safely over the mountain.

Day One

SoSoooo, two-and-a-half months after starting a Brand New Blog, here I am blogging again. sorry about that.

Wow, so much has happened!  Had some travel, my nieces came to visit, read some awesome books, participated in a nutrition study, climbed Mt Elden, and, oh, yeah, quit my job.

It's been a few weeks full of learning and growing.

As I sit here among the boxes and bubble wrap, my tummy hurting from that hamburger and French fries I ate somewhere between dropping my niece off at the airport and returning to Flagstaff, it occurred to me that part of the reason I quit my job was to be healthier. Building block one of being a healthy person is to eat clean.  No objections to the occasional fast food splurge, but come on, making an effort is probably a good thing.

Quitting this particular job means moving, btw.  Not because I live in company-owned housing like railroad workers in days of yore, but because this particular town is particularly far away from family and particularly expensive in which to live particularly if you are unemployed... So off to storage it goes! Hitting the road is such a quintessential American thing, I'm honored to participate!

People are naturally interested in my plans, so I wish I had some to share.  After all this stuff gets packed, I'm spending a few weeks traveling and volunteering and reassuring my dog that all this hustle and bustle is a GOOD thing.  Roxy seems worried she will get left in storage.  That could happen by accident, as she tends to blend in to her surroundings:

Which is why I sometimes do this:

It is for her own safety, really.

The future has begun, Day One.*

*Matthew West lyric

First

sometimes, ya gotta walk away.

I love writing and blogging and all that goes with it, but found that I had outgrown the premise of my last blog, and I wanted something fresh and new.

So here it is.

All the messy joy of being a grown-ass woman facing this crazy world with the help of God and her friends and family.  Seems like a lovely setting for a sitcom, really.  I promise to have a Very Special Episode periodically so I seem all sincere and socially conscious.

On a bright blue day when all things seem possible, my wish for this project is to bring smiles and community and a sense of joie de vivre about this occasionally grim world.

so, to that end:  A photo that never ceases to make me smile -Roxy with "resting bitch face."

OH -and the photo entitled "Gotham Needs Me."

 

Photos by David Slipher, 2014