A quote really home today.
"It is possible to make no mistakes and still lose. That is not failure. That is life."
Jean-Luc Picard
As I sit here, 46 years old, drowning in a waterfall of student debt, pondering my life choices, this goes through me like a cold wind.
I have been racking my brain trying to figure out exactly where I screwed up, and each decision when it was made still seems eminently sensible. I made a series of well-thought-out decisions.
Yet, there it is. And here I am.
I read an article about how the middle-aged make up the bulk of suicides, and how the death rate for middle aged women is skyrocketing. I can totally see this.
There are a lot of people like me. Back when I graduated from law school, there were no income sensitive plans for loan repayment, there was no loan forgiveness. If you could not make that $1,200/mo payment, there was no provision for "pay what you can" -you simply went into default, and then with penalties and interest, that $100K spirals into $350K in a heartbeat, and any funds previously paid disappear into the air. $350K that will never, ever go away, that grows larger every day, and will influence every single decision in your life forever.
I am a fortunate one. Thanks to Obama, and not one single Republican for whom I ever voted, there are loan forgiveness programs. By the time I am 60, my student debt will be gone, after essentially repaying what I borrowed two times over. What is "forgiven" is the usury of the system -the penalties and interest poured on like gasoline to flame. Yet, I am the one panting for that forgiveness, like some tortured character from Game of Thrones.
I am a fortunate one. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. To keep that light flickering, however faintly, I have to continue to work in non-profit until the end of the 10-yr term. So, even if I wanted to become a full-time writer, that is not an option -nor is practicing law, staying home to raise kids, nor any of the other millions of opportunities purportedly available to me.
I am a fortunate one. When I am 60, I MAY be able to buy a house. I've never owned a new car, so I doubt I will start then. Mostly I hope my 2007 Ford Taurus with 200,000 miles makes it through one more winter. If I think too hard about what my education has cost me in terms of financial stability, I can barely breathe.
I am a fortunate one. I am healthy. I have a job I enjoy with a decent salary that provides both paid vacation time and sick leave (generously.) I live in a modest rented house in a low-cost Midwestern city. I do not have to worry about putting children through school. Because I can budget like nobody's business, I am able to save a bit for emergencies, for a retirement that will likely never come. Unless you know, you would never know.
I am a fortunate one. And there are thousands of people out there just like me, in their 40s, caught up in the hurricane of our economy over the last 20 years, making sensible decisions that end up smashing their dreams into shards, hoping that somehow their hidden struggle will lead to some semblance of freedom. That someday they will be able to breathe again.
I am a fortunate one. But I understand why some people opt out, and how some are ground into dust.
