Elegy For Hope

Really, WH Auden nailed the mourning thing with Funeral Blues:

...The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

It's funny how when someone is dying you are mostly concerned about making sure the person is comfortable and knows they are loved.  You push away the thoughts of the inevitable death at the end because the one we love is still right here with immediate needs.  You don't want to admit there is still a kernel of hope rooted in an illogical corner of your heart that this is some sort of elaborate practical joke and one day the brain tumor just won't be there any more and we will say, "Ha, ha! Good one! You really had us going!" and plot revenge for the terrible scare we received.

But then, the person dies.

Then the surreal nature of death and dying hits you so hard you cannot breathe or see or think and you find yourself reminded of the strangest things, like how she fed your dog a bowlful of fruit that one time because the dog seemed to enjoy it so much and was flummoxed that the dog got sick.  Or how she planned a dinner party for friends and coaxed her mom into doing the cooking.  Or how she was a terrible driver by any measure.  Or how she got up in the predawn darkness and held your hand while you stared off into space and tried to picture life without your mother on the day of her funeral.

And she won't be there to hold your hand at this next funeral. This time, she is the star.

On an intellectual level, you are happy for her because she is in heaven and free from all pain and healed of cancer and restored to her best self and in something like 10 seconds to her we will all be reunited, yadda yadda whatever.

In a couple of days we will all gather to remember and celebrate Hope Masibay McGinnis of Chicago, Illinois, and honor the amazing person that she was.  Then we will go back to our houses and apartments and regular lives and look around in confusion at everyone who has not yet realized the ENTIRE WORLD IS DIFFERENT, because they did not know her, and cannot bring to mind the sparkle in her eyes when she laughed or that silly giggle that drove us crazy or the way she took TEN YEARS to read through a menu and twenty to eat what she had ordered.

I have known Hope since 1994.  I cannot fit a 20+ year friendship into one blog post.

She loved.  She was loved.  That's a pretty big life.